July 13,2022 our whole world changed. But let’s back up a bit. The idea of birth had always scared me. I’ve never had any major surgery or injuries before and the thought of the entire process and what could happens and the pain involved scared me so much. It is a part of the reason why we waited so long to start our family, because I hadn’t conquered that fear yet. It’s not something that anyone talks about, the fear of pregnancy or childbirth. Of course no one is going to be excited about the pains of pregnancy or birth, but I was actually VERY fearful of it. One evening I was at home by myself, yoga mat and candles to set the scene. I was feeling a bit lost about life and it’s direction; sitting deep in thought. Somehow that evening I was able to connect to myself or god, in the most intense way that I ever have and all of a sudden I just knew that it was time to start trying. I asked for guidance and strength and I trusted that moment of clarity and told Paul that I was ready, mentally. The day after Halloween 2021 I had missed my period by a few days that was very rare for me. I had also finished a juice cleanse and had didn’t lose not even 1 pound - I thought to myself that was very odd. So I took a test; the first test it was positive. I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was going to take months or possibly years, it happened so quickly. We are so thankful for this, because I know it does not come so quickly to all. It was one of highest moments of our lives, sharing this news together. Seeing the excitement and pure joy on Paul’s face in that moment, is one that i’ll never forget. We were both so giddy we just didn’t know what to do! We instantly drove to CVS to buy a few more tests JUST to be sure. Being so excited we promised we would only tell one person each, and that we wanted to surprise our families at Christmas. The hardest secret we ever kept, but it was so worth it for Christmas Day. We also wanted to be sure for a few months that he was healthy before we told our families and close friends.

In short I had a really great pregnancy. I was very tired, but thankfully I didn’t have morning sickness or any other terrible symptoms. Towards the end I did have some annoying heart burn and headaches but all manageable. It was amazing that from the first moment we found out, I didn’t have an ounce of fear in me. About pregnancy or birth. I didn’t let me mind go there, because I didn’t have a choice now. But I was amazed how the fear vanished like I had never felt it before - I was so thankful for that. My prayer from that night was answered.

Our due date was always a mystery, we originally thought July 12 but then later on found out July 10; and Paul was telling people July 11 - so somewhere around then we knew we were expecting. Sunday July 10 we had a relaxing day, went for brunch and did some things around the house preparing for baby. I wasn’t feeling any symptoms at this point like my fellow pregnant girlfriends at the time so I thought we would be going past our due date, especially because this was our first, which is typical for a first baby. 5:30pm we were getting ready to make dinner, and my water broke. I felt little pop, and just like a water balloon it popped! Which was odd because I didn’t have any contractions yet. In that moment we knew it was go time, but I tried to stay calm and relaxed because I knew I had the biggest task ahead of me. I had a relaxing shower, Paul took out Sebastian (our pup) and started to get our things together for the hospital. Thankfully the hospital was only a 12 minute drive from us at the time. We called the hospital; they told us to come in to get checked out. The consensus after our visit was that if I didn’t start contractions naturally within 24 hours they would have to induce due to a high risk of infection after that point. So we went home and slept, Monday morning, July 11, we waited and waited. We had a nice big breakfast, went for a walk and waited some more but nothing. So back to the hospital we went to start induction. I had prepared myself mentally for an all natural birth so I was trying to have an open mind about induction. A few hours into it I was still feeling good and optimistic as the induced contractions were still bare able at that point - I had still opted for no pain relief at that point. Then a few more hours… my doctor came in and I was bouncing away on the yoga ball, she said I should get some rest because it could be up to 20 more hours - I couldn’t believe it, 20 hours MORE? We tried to get some rest but further into the night the contractions were getting a lot more intense. Around hour 7 of the induction I finally broke down and asked for the epidural. At that point with the level of forced pain I knew that I wouldn’t be able to physically endure that pain for a few more hours let alone 10-20 hrs. The thought of a needle in my spine frightened me, and I wanted as little interventions as possible, but I knew I didn’t have a choice in that moment. Tuesday morning (July 12) at 5:30 am, I was only 4 cm dilated, 9am we got to 5cm. It seemed like it was taking forever. Tuesday July 12, at midnight I was finally at 10cm and ready to push! After 2 hours of pushing with no progress the doctor had told me that we can push for another hour if I wanted to or consider a c-section. At this point we were both so tired, hungry and weak from the entire process. I couldn’t move much because of the epidural and I hadn’t eaten anything since Sunday evening. We were exhausted, but I wanted to give it one more shot. So we pushed for another hour - no luck. At this point my body was out of my control, shaking intensely from a fever and hormones. So we decided it was time for a c-section. Even though this was my biggest fear I knew again, that I didn’t have a choice. We were so tired and we just wanted to see our baby in our arms safely. From the moment We decided on the c-section I closed my eyes and only focused on mentally strong and was able to hold Paul’s hand the entire time once we got into the operating room. They had topped off my epidural for the procedure and begun. Instantly once they began the process, I felt a pain that I knew wasn’t right, I wasn’t fully numb - again another insane fear. I had the option of waiting for more epidural (about 5 mins) or to be knocked out with anesthesia, which I opted for. The scariest moment of my life forsure, and I’m sure Paul’s from his point of view in that moment. He was taken back to our room and given the baby once he was out safely and cleaned up. I woke up maybe 15-20 minutes after the procedure feeling ok but groggy. Seeing Paul holding the baby instantly gave me relief. I couldn’t believe it, we were both in awe. How was this tiny little human inside of me and how was he so perfect. We are so blessed that that we had such a great medical team at MGH that took care of us and brought him into this world safely.

MAXIMUS COLLINS TOLAND had arrived! 35 hours later…Wednesday July 13, 4:07am weighing in at 7 lbs 5oz and 22 inches long. Originally we weren’t going to do a middle name but we felt an od to my dad was necessary who I know was guiding us through that day was necessary. Collins is a spin on my dads name Colin. I know he would be so proud. From that moment on we spent learning his little ways. Paul instantly surprised me how natural he was with him, holding him and loving him. Us knowing nothing about babies relied on the nurses help the next few days to learn from, and then later my mom who is a natural baby whisperer. We are so blessed and beyond thankful that he arrived safely and everyone is healthy. And again, a HUGE thank you to the MGH medical team, they were incredible through the entire process. We are very grateful for their support and knowledge to swiftly take us to c-section when they did.

The hardest part in my opinion, although very scary, was not the birth - it was recovery. In my case I technically had two births, which made it recovery a bit more intense, but recovery and help go hand in hand after birth. No one tells you how hard it is trying to take care of yourself and a newborn while very sleep deprived. This was my biggest struggle, and truly hard to explain. My advice to expecting mothers is to not stress about all the gadgets you think you’ll need, but set up a support system for the first few weeks - months. It was absolutely the hardest, most humbly rewarding thing that I’ve done, without question. 7 months in we still are we feeling a lot more confident as a family and starting to get the hang of family life. And this is just the beginning.

*I hope our story doesn’t scare anyone, yet inspire you if you are in the position of fear that I was in. Facing your fears does pay off, as it does time and time again. Also, everyones pregnancy and birth story is different. Even though ours was tougher than we would have liked, the treasure we got at the end of it outshines the 35 laborious hours.